


The thing about celibacy

by sorb_aucup



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Humor, Sexual Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-18
Updated: 2015-08-18
Packaged: 2018-04-15 09:42:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,168
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4602018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sorb_aucup/pseuds/sorb_aucup
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gilbert has a problem with being an adolescent among only men. Help from above is very welcome. (additional warning: slight disrespect & sarcasm towards religion)</p>
            </blockquote>





	The thing about celibacy

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [Die Sache mit dem Zoelibat](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/137598) by NepheleNilfhain. 



A chapel, somewhere south of the Memel River 

 

(long and awkward coughing) “Holy Virgin Mary, Mother of God, blessed among the women of this world – and so on and on – there is a request I need to tell you about.”  
„Yes, my son?“  
„What? Oh I see, commonplace phrase - Excuse me, I am rather confused in that regard. “  
“About ancestral history? Let’s see, how can I explain that -”  
“That’s not necessary, I am rather thinking about the, uh, step before.”  
“My son?”  
“So, I know, technically, monks and celibacy and so on but of course -”  
“My son?!”  
“Well, uh, is it possible that this whole thing was not carefully thought through?”  
“MY SON!”  
“No, really, I’m all serious, I have a problem with celibacy!”  
“You of all people should not, my son!“  
“Nah Miss Virgin, exactly the other way around this makes sense: I am the one to have a problem in the end – well, okay, I can deal with MY end of the problem bargain. I think. I mean, fighting is a stress reliever, and in this regard they keep me on the hop.“  
“Oh, it is wonderful to hear that you found a way to stay true to your call. So why do you address me although you do not have a problem with the problem?”  
“Because… uh, how do I put this… (deep intake of breath, several times) So, you are aware of the fact that I am what one would call a good-looking man-child?”  
“All of your kind are made to please the eye. This is part of your beings.“  
“Huh, yeah, I thought so, it’s just, you know humans…”  
“Yes?”  
“AND you know that I am a good-looking boy with slightly female features waltzing around among men that stand very very alone in their hard lives?“  
“Is there a deeper meaning to your way of stressing ‘stand’ and ‘hard’?”  
“Take a guess!”  
“Oh.”  
„I mean, I don’t wanna whine, but lately, the concept of running the gauntlet – you know, men cordoning, wearing long hard sticks, pain and all that – has changed its meaning in some really unpleasant way… If you understand what I mean.“  
“I am afraid I understand indeed.”  
“Well, I can see the reason behind celibacy, that’s not it.”  
(unctuously) „It exists to keep your soul far from sin.“  
“Really?! Golly, that’s news to me. I always thought celibacy was supposed to prevent all monks and church folk to multiply and strain the assets of the order… One can be so wrong. Amazing.”  
(miffed) “You are very worldly, considering your nature.”  
“You know, I live among the brothers, and they are rather worldly sometimes.”  
“They are knights of the Lord, full of love for humanity!”  
“Yeah, very warmly loving brothers all right. I know that, which is the reason why I avoid sleeping in the big dormitory for a considerable time now.”  
“Huh?”  
“I am on the way on horseback a lot and apparently, only one of those two work, not both…”  
“This conversation starts to unsettle me.”  
“This conversation does? Hah, try walking around in my clothes for a week, then we’ll talk about unsettling! I will only quote this: Hey, please help me suck out the poison of the basilisk that hit me, it’s so difficult for me to do it to myself.”  
“Shouldn’t a basilisk turn things into stone?”  
“Yeah, somethings gotten hard there, yeah… and in case you’ll really try living in my place: in case anyone ever offers you to withhold the cold together, better sleep INSIDE the chimney, or you’d be rather surprised and we’d have to call you Holy Maria.”  
“Holy Virgin Maria if you – Oh, I see.”  
“Great. So, can you give me a tip about what to do now?”  
"Iron underwear?"  
„Rubs, already have it, and doesn’t really help. Moreover, I have long decided that since I don’t seem tob e able to escape it forever and I am the only one taking celibacy all seriously, I’ll just try to get over with it and then – I’ll see.“  
(deep sigh) „Be careful if anyone you don’t know comes to you and talks about happy news…“  
“I live among many educated knight monks.”  
“They already tried this?”  
“Several times a week.”  
“I see. So how am I supposed to help you?“  
“So… uhmm…”  
“I know that people talk a lot about my powers in this area, but first of all I doubt that I can do this to a whole order and second, I don’t think it is just to punish the whole herd because of a few black sheep.“  
“What? No, that’s not what I meant. No, I could need some other help. You know, I would like to – do it. But: how? And with whom? I mean, I live among men, but at least my first should be… umm…“  
“You do not ask me, Holy Virgin Maria, to help you hitting on a girl in order to get you to commit fornication?“  
“Mh… yes?”  
“Did they hit you too hard on the head while they were converting heathens?!”  
“As I said it’s not easy to find a nice girl of my age… oh whatever, nice and girl or even nice and female would already be enough. I would like to start the conventional way.”  
“You are some rascal! …Did you already take a look among all the people around you?“  
“Only guys.”  
“Take a close look?“  
"It may be that you don't see it easily from afar, but Toris and Felicks are both guys..."  
"Really? Oh, well, I hadn't thought about them anyway, but: are you sure?"  
"Hit on me, thus: guys."  
(very sarcastic, considering she is the Mother of God) "What will you do if you are ever hit on by a female being?"  
„Hasn’t occured yet. I’d probably shoot her baffled looks through my helmet.”  
“Well, I would simply not give up hope then.”  
“That‘s you tip?!”  
“Huh, very well. I will send someone.“  
"Female?"  
"Yes."  
"I mean: having a female body? Not that in the end, it’s Felicks…“  
„Including everything that comes with that. Complete equipment.“  
"Boobs?"  
"You little -" (deep breath) "Yes, that, too."  
"Considerable boobs? If not, as I said, Felikcs is-”  
“Listen, be thankful and glad that all that is left of you now are not a smoking pair of shoes!”  
“Yeah, yeah, I’m quiet now… Soo, when can I expect this miracle to happen?”  
“Just take pot luck! You will see it when the time comes. Just do not come back later and complain! I will have to improvise a little here. I know someone, though…”  
“I’ll take what comes, hehe!”  
“I am afraid that is true. However: Amen.” – PUFF and gone -  
“Greaaat, that’s settled, then. Ohh, what’s this, a map? There’s a mark on it?” (reads or rather, tries to decipher the holy writing) “No wonder they need prophets all the time, this is totally cryptic… Ah, now I got it. Hoesel mountain? What the - ohhh. The Hoesel Mountain.“ (broadest grin of world history)

**Author's Note:**

> The Venus Mountain is said to be a mountain into which Venus and Eros lure people to make them sin and go to hell. It was mentioned in late middle age and romantic literature in Germany several times, and the Höselberg / Hoesel mountain (in the middle of Germany) is supposed to be it, according to regional tales.
> 
> Translation by me. Please tell me any weird errors I may have made. ^^


End file.
